Loner 4 Ever

In class, chat up girl, ask her out, get her number.  Go out for drinks, think shes drunk, drink a bit, dates going OK, invite her to my place “draw”, agrees, comes over, smoke a jay, states that she lives too far to go home, tell her she can stay.

Eventually make it to my bed, thanks me for being hospitable, go for the kiss, asks “what are you doing?!”, go to sleep.

Wake up the next day, before she leaves, “apologize” to her:

“Listen, Im sorry about last night, I though it was a booty call.”

“so yeah…”

Nothing is said.

leaves.

never speaks to me again.

Friend’s 25th, dinner party, bring salad and tequila, start eating, notice super hot girl, letting it simmer.

Go for it, start talking, do shots, roll off to other girl.

Reciprocating gazes, go back to chat, talking in another language, mastery of language is impressing her, ask about heart-shaped tattoo, represents her bf…

Meet girl at art party, talk for a bit, get her number and her email. Email back and forth, let her know that Im going to another art event, go solo, hang for a bit, she doesnt show until Im walking out the door, seems disappointed, commited to leaving, gotta follow thru.

Don’t hear from her for a while, creep her on fb, find out shes showing work in a gallery/shop near my place, go to to gallery/shop, show up, ask whats up, notice no work on the walls, ask why, shop owners are confused, explain which artist im looking for, respond that was a show that was up 4 months ago, get some really weird looks, leave akwardly, get home, fate aint on my side, delete her number…

Accidentally meet #18, she with her friends, def not down.  Invites to her house party.  Go, friend thinks Im cute, get her phone number, go on date, s’all good.  Call, doesnt answer, leave msg, never hear from her again.  2 months later, find out, shes too shy too call back.  Plan 2nd date, cancel same day, cuz my friend bought a new bong.  Never hear from her again…

Own b-day, start out with some two king size 10% bottles of beer, down both quickly, not drunk enough, start doing shots, never stop.  In da club, crunk, dancing, no awareness, super fine friend of girl #13 comes up, starts chatting me up, manage to say something, continue dancing, lean against wall, fall asleep, girl walks away, book it to the bathroom.

Last night in the country, girl lives above me, we’re friends, we have lots of sexual tension. Final send off, friends are over, we party, girl hasn’t shown up yet, night goes on, keep partying.  3am, people start leaving, saying final emotinal goodbyes, girl stumbles into the apartment,

says: ”Im really drunk”

I say: “OK”

turn around, continue saying goodbye to my friends, she stands there, doesnt budge, say farewell to the last one, looks at me, in front of my room,

put my hand on her shoulder,

turn her around

walk her out of the apt.

Working in a café, only boy there, all colleagues are fine, only 2 staff per shift, flirt everyday, get propositioned to make out in the back a couple times, never take em cuz im professional, eventually get fired for multiple reasons.

Girls decided to have party in my honour, exclaimed that they’ve never seen me wasted, proceed to give me many many shots. end of the night rolls around, seeing doubles, figure I should leave, two girls are passed out, host is still awake, tell her goodbye, go for a hug, pulls me down on top of her, free myself, think i can rain check it, leave, never hear from her again…

bf – who dumped me 10 years ago – creeps me on the net, emails me out of the blue, says hes thinking of me and wants to say “Hi”.  Start talking again, eventually date again.

7 months later, starts to slowly push me away, avoids me. doesnt answer my texts, emails or calls but swears nothing is up and says he not gonna to break up with me.  find out he was with a woman for 7 years and wrote me only a couple of weeks after they broke up…

feel disgusted and betrayed.  see his misery, loneliness and desperation,

break up with him,

still all alone.

Meet guy while on tour through Montana.  SO perfect: artistic, smart, hot, funny and single.  Chat a couple of times thru emails and phone calls.  Hang out when I go back to Montana.  Hit it off, asks me to come visit him after I return home.  Pay $500 for a plane ticket, arms are wide open, hopeful.

Hanging out at his pad, make love, cooks for me, clean for him.  Eventually tells me that he doesn’t “want a relationship” and that “you should probably go home”.  Pay $250 to change my ticket, come home early.

Return home heartbroken and about $750 short.

Learned same expensive lesson,

again.

Meet guy in Germany, he’s from Italy.   Hit it off, spend summer together, go out for a year. Go to Italy, he comes to America. Fly back to Italy, costs me $900, shows up 2 hours late to pick me up.  Driving to his mom’s house,  tells me he has a new gf, can’t see me anymore, I start crying, he gets drunk, yells at me, get scared, pack my bags while he passes out.  Stranded in a foreign country, cant withdraw money, costs me $300 to take a cab back to the airport.  Learned expensive lesson.  Return home heartbroken.

Met girl thru friend, talk to her all night, ask for her number.  Gives me one, then tells me to delete it, and to take this other one instead.  Think its fake, never call her.

Two weeks later, friend asks me, “yo, why didnt you call #39?”.  Say that I thought it was fake.

Figure its too late call her, think f**k it, delete her phone number…

With my girl for year, family refuses to accept me or meet me cuz Im 10 years older.  We were supposed to meet the other morning, she has a panic attack followed by a seizure.  Family doesnt let me see her, she recovers, calls me and ends it. Says she doesnt want to be with me, says that shes sick and needs to get better.  Says she cant sneak around and lie anymore, says its a  new year and wants me to be successful but would still marry me.  Hangs up and doesnt return my calls.

Go by her practice session, drop off her stuff and get some closure.  She runs away when she sees me.  Changes her number the same day.

Thought she was perfect, feel betrayed, feel guilty cuz I pushed her to move in, feel mislead cuz everything she said was a lie, thought she had my back, thought she’d choose me over her family.

What happened?  The night before she was sick, she said she loved me, wanted to be with me, saw a future with me.  Its all lies, didnt do anything, never speaks to me again.

No closure,

so callous.

Meet girl at party, talk all night, flirt intensively, find out she has BF, feeling something special between us, ask her for her contact info.

call her next week, no answer

txt her, no response

email her, no reply

see her on the street,

no stop and chat.

Meet guy on a tropical vacation, really in love with him, he’s dating my friend so can’t have him. Me, him and his gf all go home (shes goes to germany, he goes to the US and me to Canada).

Emails me all the time, calls me, always talks about missing my friend, never stops asking me what he should do.  Play the SPF (supportive platonic friend) but still secretly in love with him. She dumps him, I pick up the pieces and begin the takeover. We do some LD (long distance) courting, get him to come visit me.

Excited, cant wait, freaking out. Shows up, invite him out, meets my group of friends. Starts chatting my bff, falls for her.

breaks my heart.

leaves

At party, two girls walk in, pick a corner and stand there.  Both super fine, boys all around them, never left alone.  Exchanging glances for a couples of hours, boys still around them.  Party dying down, see one sitting down alone, go in, wish her a happy new year, start talking.

Calm, collected and saying all the right things.  Genuinely nice convo, thinking she gets me, setting up, boy from earlier comes over, sits beside her, starts talking. Friend tells her that theyre leaving, she agrees, boy asks for phone number, can’t handle all the threats, gives her phone number to him, flabbergasted, don’t respond, she asks boy if hes leaving too, he says yes.

wishes me a good night

goodbye hug

walks out of my life.

Been flirting with girl for a while now, its obvious, colleagues at work know, in staff room with a few of them and her, they see what’s going on, they all leave, one by one.  I’m setting up for the moment of truth, black out nervous, work up the courage, ask her out.

she says: “Today?… I’m going to Thailand in two months.”

Never heard that one before, don’t know what to say, say a half-confused and disappointed ”OK”.

turn around.

walk away.

Get to know girl in lecture, talk a lot, thinks she likes me. Talk about pets, ask her if she has a dog, she responds that shes a cat person.  Two weeks later, give her a poem, The Cat, by Baudelaire.  Reads it for a sec, tells me she likes it, but has “no access to poetry” and puts it on the table.

Make small talk for the rest of the lecture. At the end I ask her if she wants go to a party tonight, she says that she already has a date, hands me the poem, tells me to not forget it and leaves…

Meet girl in class, hit on her, find out she has a bf, stop going. last day of class, i decide to go. During the break, she tells me she broke up with her bf, i tell her we should skip the second half and go drinking.

after a little convincing, we leave, play pool and get drunk. 3am comes around and we leave.

she asks me: “What are you doing later?”

I say: “you.”

go for the kiss, she just looks at me.

she says: “there’s no way im coming over”

i tell her: “im a good guy”

she takes the first cab she sees.

Know a girl from class, she asks me out 3 times, 4th time I say yes.  We go for drinks, I fall asleep.  I call her 2 weeks later, we go for drinks again.  Invite her to my place, make out, she asks me to cuddle with her, I tell her that its bad for my back, lie down, fall asleep.  Wake up, go to the metro, not one word is said. I see her next week, its awkward for the rest of the year.

Met girl thru a friend, we’re down, hang out with friends a few times.  We go out, shes give me the look.  I don’t respond, 5 mins later, I run out of the bar, catch up with her one block away from her place, she jumps me, we make out.

I stop kissing and say: ” Woa woa, let’s go on a date.  What’s your number?”

Kind of baffled, shes give it to me.

I leave. Call her one week later, she tells me shes not ready to date…

Meet girl thru friends, talk sporadically throughout night, find out she lives next to me.  We flirt a lot, catch her constantly looking at me, night ends, we all walk home, friends leave, just me and her now, get to her door, tell her that she should come over for a beer, she agrees.  crack beers, sit on the balcony, sense some awkwardness so just chill for a minute, continue talking, ask if we can sit inside cuz its too cold, she accepts, we keep talking, keep thinking about making a move but don’t, keep it cool and just chat, its becoming redundant, we keep talking, says that she has to go home but doesnt leave right away, we keep talking,

She says “I gotta  go”

I say “You should stay”

I don’t make a move, she gets up, still don’t make a move,

Walk her to the door, only “move” is a goodbye hug

She leaves

Met exchange student, shes belgian, we talk, I get her phone number.  Invite her out to go bobsledging, make my own bobsledge, she isnt impressed.  We get to the hill, it doesnt slide.  We go for lunch, she criticizes the meal yet she wanted fast food.  We leave, I remember I have to buy shampoo, we go to pharmacy.  I buy shampoo and chocolate bar, dont share it, I leave, never see her again…

Spot kindergarten teacher that works at my school, really cute, we chat a couple of times, sense there’s something there, run into her one day, talk a bit, ask when shes off work, state that I finish at the same time, she blushes, I just respond: “OK, see you around.”  30 seconds later, realize my mistake, decide to hang around after work to see if I can run into her again, don’t see her.  2 weeks go by, eventually run into her again, chat a bit, ask her to join us for the upcoming staff night, she says: “no, maybe next year.” try not to look baffled, try to leave smoothly, but i just walk away, guess there wasn’t anything there…

Met girl at naked party.  Don’t have a piece of paper, remember her phone number, call her 3 days later.  We go for ice cream, she insists on paying, I tell her “its 2 fucking bucks”, I pay.  We go to park, she buys me a beer, talk about dogs, she girls up every time a dog walks by, we leave with a goodbye hug.  Ask her if I call her again, she says yes, I see a dog one the way home, delete her phone number.

House mate takes me to a friends party, get there, chill, some guy drinks my drink, declare that he’s motherfucker then take a bottle of wine, demand a cork screw from him and chug it. host shows up, pushes me into talking with this girl, really drunk, cant properly talk, say goodbye, put on my coat, scarf and gloves, host catches me and tells me that the girl is upset that i’m leaving.  Walk up to her, ask her if she thinks i should stay, she says yes. We keep drinking and talking, she eventually decides to leave, want to ask for her number but don’t think i can manage it since im so wasted, try to give her mine, not even sure if she understood me when i read out the digits. don’t think ill be invited to a party at that place again…

Out with some uptight girl, the topic of drugs comes up, tells me that she just discovered MDMA and loves it, I respond: “ecstasy and clubbing kinda gal eh?”, she says: “NO! MDMA is different. it’s much more natural”, Im like ”uhh, its a synthetic CHEMICAL compound”.

She frowns, disagrees and restates her belief,

I say ”you’re an idiot”.

she gives me a blank look

she leaves.

Met girl in class, flirt and talk for a while, eventually go for lunch, food is disgusting, talk about throwing up, she thinks its funny, tells me stories about her throwing up. See her in class, keep talking, going to show, invite her to come too since shes going, we dont meet at the venue.  Run into her after the show, shes invites me to party but I stay by my friends side. One week later, friend shows me 2 girls 1 cup, think its hilarious, send it to everyone I know, I send it to her too, shes super offended, its awkward and never the same for the rest of the semester…

At a comedy show with gorgeous woman friend, about 200 guests are there. We sit near the bar. I see a cute girl in the other corner of the room. We make eye contact, she comes up to the bar to get a drink, starts talking to me. We chat a little and we listen to the comedian. He tells a joke about a pit bull on a children’s playground. I’m the only person laughing in the room. One minute later, she excuses herself to the toilet and never comes back.

Met girl in class, become obsessed with her, go on 1st date, we have good time, she gives me an opening to invite her to my place, dont take it.  Go on 2nd date, reggae night, she falls asleep.  We leave.  Go on 3rd date, at bar, she says we should have gone to her place for drinks, I tell her that its too late now, I fall asleep.  We leave, she never agrees to another date…

Go to bar with friends, get really drunk, dance with girl, go back to her place, start making out with her, she says “Am I just a piece of meat to you”.  I say “Am I just a piece of meat to you?”.

We keep making out, she says “lets cuddle”.

I say “thats awkward”.

I leave.

See girl from class at club, run into her in the co-ed bathroom after she comes out of stall doing blow, say whats up, she says same.  She disappears, see her in class, ask her out, then make joke about her doing blow, she never shows up…

Actually still girl #15, we go on dates every 3 months, eventually she tells me to sleep over at her place, I do, never make a move, cuz I think were friends, never see her again…

Im 28 years old. Never had any friends, guys or girls. After 1 million craigslist posts go unanswered, I finally get a reply to one. We say hi, after a couple messages she suggests we meet up. We set a date but she doesnt answer her phone so it doesnt happen. A couple days later we email again, I ask if we can talk on the phone, she says “of course! my number is ______, ask for Ada”. But Im too scared to call her cuz I dont know when shes at home or when shes busy or whos going to answer the phone and yell at me because a strange guy is asking for her. As the weeks go by, I realized that I cant just ring her out of the blue. So Im fucked and all alone again.

Met #13 friend that is in town for a few, super fine, its her bday, we party late.  She wants to see the sunrise in a park, none of her friends wanna stay up.  I stay up, go to park with her, we watch the sunrise, make out.  She gives me her phone number, invites me to a party.  I get a txt telling where and when, I get offended cuz I only got a txt, never go, never see her again…

#13 sets me up with her friend. we become friends, go on date, we just insult each other the whole time, walk her home.  she tells me she seeing some other guy…

Get to Helsinki. Meet long lost friends. go out to bar, meet many girls but no hope. Go to the club.  Spot girl. Shes cute, out alone, we dance. I try to talk but musics too loud. I repeat myself too many times.  She interrupts me and says “I’m wearing earplugs, let’s dance now and talk later”.

I go to the washroom, come back, never see her again.

Met girl in class, talk to her, exchange emails.  Invite her out to rock night on Tuesday, I never go, see her next class, she asks me why I didnt go, I say that I didnt think it would be fun.  We keep chatting after class is done, we hang out sometimes, I invite her over to my place, put on a song and claim that its the greatest make out song.  Never make a move, we become friends…

My BFF leaves on a jet plane (to Greece from Canada), says good bye and breaks up with his girl. She then tells me to never mention his name again and that nobody cares if she lives or dies… so   i   take a flight to Canada, just to get to hear that she thinks i’m evil for coming to her rescue and that she doesnt want anything to do with me…

I’m straight, I meet a girl (lesbian) fall in love with her. She tells me two years later she is more attracted to guys and is not gay. WTF!

Girl in my class, eye fucking the shit out of each other every class.  Talk to her, see her again next class, ask her out, she asks me if im gay…

See girl in bar, eye fuck each other for 2 hours, go up to her, ask her to dance, she says no.

Met a girl at school, talk to her, dont see her for 3 months.  Run into her in the hallway, remember her name, get her number.  Go out on 1st date, wear nice shirt, buy her dinner, go for a walk.  Give her a hug goodbye.  Go on 2nd date, stoned, with “holed” T-shirt and my famously ragged shoes.  Go for ice cream, talk about shoes, go to gala for her program, meet her sister, sister shuns me, never hear from her again…

Met a girl thru a friend.  Super fine, she has ex-trouble but wtv.  We go out, have tea, wind up back at her place, I decide to leave 15 mins later.  Go on another date, buy her dinner, girl walks me home, gives me hug goodbye. Never see her again…

I go out, see the same girl from #5.  Talk to her, she introduces me to her flatmate. Her flatmate is super drunk, goes on a 10 min rant of insults directed solely at me.  I tell her flatmate to fuck off, girl tries to make the peace.  I roll off.  Come back later, girl is with Italian dude.  We all go to club, we drink and dance together.  I go chill with my friends for a bit, shes comes back to me alone, asks me if Ive seen the Italian guy…

Invite a girl to a art opening at my work.  She comes, tells me she needs to get wasted, I give her free beer.  We leave with a group of people, go to a bar, drink again.  We go to a club, I talk to her, ask her to dance.  She tells me that I’m too old school…

Met girl playing tennis, after playing two matches, we lose touch.  I get an email 2 months later saying lets get drinks.  I take a month to reply.  We go for drinks then we go to her place.

I try to kiss her, she tells me: “I don’t think its gonna work, Im only here for 5 weeks”.

I tell her: “You invited me for drinks”.

She says nothing.

I leave.

Met girl in the studio, we talk, shes gives me all her contact info.  I never call her. Run into her on a flight to Dublin, take her number again.  We go on a date, I talk about kids, she never returns any of my calls…

Girl in my class, super nice, super hot. I ask for her number, she asks for my fb…

Took a girl out that I knew for 2 months.  Went for drinks, shes smokes, so I started smoking to impress her. At 4am, she tells me shes a lesbian…